Rhythmism.com

this thread is a place where you can address open letters to whomever you choose. Here's mine for today:

Dear Lady in the Third Stall,

I'm sorry to inform you that your "courtesy flush" did not successfully mask the sounds you made a few moments ago, as I stood at the sink washing my hands. I heard everything. That must be quite a bad case of mudbutt you have there. I want to let you know that even though I heard it, I don't think any less of you. Next time, don't bother to try to cover it up with a fake flush. Just let it all out, girl. We've all been there.

Sincerely,
KT

Dear God,

What's up dude? I thought we had reached an uneasy truce last week when the wind was blowing at my back and in face roughly an equal amount of times. I was happy about this.

Now, today, I've been assaulted by gale force winds no matter which way I walk, I mean, I fucking turned around like six times.

You suck.

In Jesus Christ's name, Amen.

-Dave

Yo, guy I saw this morning who gingerly tossed his water bottle vertically then caught it again in the middle and then winked at me,

You aren't as cool as you think. You are still a middle-aged corporate schmuck.

Warm regards,
Colleen

Dear Apeanfold,

Ooo, Ooo, Ooo, Aah, Aah, Aah

You whale eating moron, you suck.

Love

Mike Carey, Jersey Slut

Dear Girl That I Took Home and Porked Last Night,

Where is my wallet, watch, and house keys? I thought you were a classy broad. I never once judged you for having no teeth. I kept those superficial, prejudiced thoughts to myself. I was, after all, drunk and horny. Anyway, please return those items....or better yet, come by my office and prove to my co-workers what they have whispering for years. That I am a degenerate sonofabitch that takes home the girl that all the guys are laughing at. I thought I was doing you a favor, but....oh, well. Live and learn.

Sincerely,
Hogue

ps-- Should I be worried about the stains on my sheets?

To the guy in the cubicle next to me,

stop farting

thanks,

Frankles

i dont sit next to you

To My Hairdresser,
After years of fruitless searching, I finally found you. You, the only person on the planet who knows how to cut my hair and make it look awesome. In a city full of straight-hair fascists and brutes with roll brushes, you treated me like a goddess. You never pulled my hair or gave me whiplash when you blow-dried me. And today, I call to make an appointment with you, only to hear that today would be your last day in the city. Well, Francis, what the fuck am I supposed to do now? Would it have killed you to drop me a line so I could've made an appointment with you sooner? How could you leave me like this? I thought we meant something to each other. I hope you get hit by a bus.

Sincerely,
Amy

Dear Missing Link,

I'm sure you're aware of this, but your back is unbelievably, unreasonably, unacceptably hairy. It's a veritable forest of black fluff, made even more grotesque by its contrast with your pale skin. Why, oh why, must you wear such skimpy tank tops when you work out at the gym? It's an office gym, for chrissakes. It requires even more modesty and decorum than a public gym. We all have to work together- we don't need to see each other in costumes that provoke staring and/or gagging.

I'm a reasonable and accepting person. I don't expect everyone who works out near me to be eye candy (guatemalan guy with shoulder-length hair and bedroom eyes, I salute you, btw). But I think I have the right to expect not to be completely nauseated when I do my lunchtime workout. I know it's hot down there, bro. But for the love of god, either get that rug waxed or buy some t-shirts.

Sincerely,
Me

p.s. The grunting really isn't helping you with the whole caveman image, either, dude.

Dear Jerry Garcia looking dude that wanders my neighborhood,

Please start checking before crossing the street. I've seen you many times come very close to meeting your maker on 4th Avenue. You know that road is no joke and not to be fucked with.

And...

If you ever walk in front of my fucking car again I won't just slow down and honk my horn at you, I'll run your dead head scraggly ass right over.

Motherfucker.

Thanks for your time.

Rich

Dear Weird Guy that sat next to me on the Ferry,

I'm sorry that my eating of my breakfast bothered you so much this morning. I did not appreciate the dirty looks, nor your complaining of me "eating too loud".

You must have really sensitive hearing to hear me eating a soft corn muffin in the middle of a loud, crowded ferry. I almost feel bad for you.
Try shoving your pen in your ear next time.

Sincerely hoping you fall down a flight of stairs,

Erik

Dear Manwhore,

I did not know that your name is Erik. Now I do. It's not what I might have expected, but then, who knows what a Manwhore's real name would be.

Best wishes,
Katie

Dear all New Yorkers,

LET PEOPLE OFF THE TRAIN FIRST, ASSFUCKERS!!!

Very truly yours,

Kristi

Dear human digestive system,

I want you to know that, contrary to popular belief, I do not find your waste products a turn on. Honest. Thank you for listening.

Regards,

Sam

you work with noiseboy

Dear Nice Waitress at Uncle Ho's Chinese Buffet,

I hate Chinese buffets. Nothing against you or your uncle Ho, of course, but the vats of slimey rice, piles of mushy spring rolls, and cauldrons of brown sauce slathered dead stuff make my stomach turn.

That is, until I met you. Last week I was forced to eat at your restaurant against my better judgement. You were a beacon of friendliness in my sea of queasiness. I especially liked when I asked you what a certain green vegetable swimming in oily brown sauce was. You replied, "Green Chinese vegetable."

I said, "I know, but what is it called?"

And then you said, "Green Chinese vegetable," and smiled cutely.

I asked whether it had a name. "Ancient Chinese secret," you said as you left to refill another table's Sprites. Nice waitress at Uncle Ho's Chinese Buffet, you made my day.

Sincerely,

girlee

P.S. Why do all Chinese buffets have salad bars serving chocolate pudding and jello and those little tiny corn on the cob thingies that Tom Hanks ate in "Big"?

P.P.S. Why do buffets need waitresses?

P.P.P.S. Good luck to you and Uncle Ho.

oh snap oh snap oh no you didnit!

Dear Katielady,

Thanks for introducing the word "mudbutt" to my vocab!

You teh funneh,

xo S

!

Yo, annoying Order Entry bitch who's five times the size of me,

Congratulations! You get to sit at a desk all day and enter the orders I work my ass off to get. You even have your own office. I really am truly ecstatic for all 7 ft of your greasy awkwardness. But, please kindly remember that you're a zero. You are not some upper management yuppie, or even middle management. You're the last one on the food chain, lady. A puppet can do your job.

Kindly yours with my foot so high up your ass my toes are tickling your eyeballs,

Marci

Dear Mel Gibson,

Fuck you!

Regards,

Sam

Dear Subway Sandwich Shop Around the Corner from my Apartment,

I love your tuna subs. I know they're made via directions you read off of a laminated card, because Bread -> Cheese -> Tuna -> Fixin's is a pretty daunting thing to remember by any standard, but they're still delicious, and I value you for them.

However, your hours are post as 10am to 8pm, but you are always closed by 7. Why do you taunt me so? If I wish to have a tasty subway treat I have to leave work by 6, so as to assure I don't get the dirty looks that accompany stacked upside-down chairs at 6:30.

It woes me so that you would lie to me like this, I thought we were friends, Subway Sandwich Shop Around the Corner from my Apartment, why do you do this to me, Subway Sandwich Shop Around the Corner from my Apartment?

Please, don't play with my Tuna-longing emotions any more, it's too much to bear, Subway Sandwich Shop Around the Corner from my Apartment.

I love you.

There, I said it.

-Dave

To all NYC court officers:

Putting so much power in a small group of morons' hands is... well, typical. Why do I have to kiss your fat asses on a daily basis in order for you to do your job? You should be able to call cases in turn, it's really not that hard. You should do this whether I decide to talk about Derek Jeter's batting average with you or not.

And when you spend twenty minutes joking around with each other while everyone else in the room is quietly tring to get your attention... I love that. You know we are looking at you, trying to get you to look at us. But you don't give a shit. You are too busy discussing last night's American Idol.

I need to go back to my fucking office and read this message board, why can't you realize that?

Very truly yours,

Sug

Dear Dean Leebron-

Please do not let my incompetence and laziness override the fact that I am a 3L. Just give me the freaking diploma, smile like you have a clue who I am, and we can head our separate ways. We're both done with this school, so let's get out of here with as little trouble as possible.

Warmest regards
Ben

Dear Dave Chapelle,

Thank you for introducing the term "mudbutt" to my vocabulary, so that I could use it on the internet and Shrina would think I'm funny. You're the man, Dave Chapelle.

-Katie

[/SchwarzeneggerinKindergartencop] it's not a TUNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA [\SchwarzeneggerinKindergartencop]

Dear Lil John,

YEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH

My regards,

Francois

Dear Cute Guy Who Happens to Have a Snaggletooth Who Makes My Chicken Fajita Burrito at Chipotle,

When your expert hands forcefully rolled and folded my burrito the other day, I imagined that you were fondling my ass instead of a tortilla full of hot ricey beany meaty goodness.

Is that wrong?

Can I see you again?

Sincerely,

girlee

Dear KT,

We dont know one another that well but from your posts I feel that we have similar senses of humor. For this reason and for starting this thread, I salute you KT. You are truly a funneh gal. Combine this with the fact that you are from Ithaca and know the joy of King Sub you just may be approaching saintliness. May all your potango's be swanchy.

Sincerely yours
The Voyeur.

Dear Mr. May-
Is anyone actually playing this so-called "Movement Festival?" Or is this just an elaborate joke you put together with Kwame?
Just curious-
Ben

Dear Raid,

What did we ever do to you? Eat, walk around, and poop - that's it. We're simple beings with simple pleasures. Gimme a cookie, and I'm good for all night.

Is the "roach motel" supposed to be some kind of joke? We can check in, but we can't check out? What if we never wanted to leave in the firstplace?

Please stop the violence.

- BigRoach